I Will Give Myself to You...

I have asked God for many things or blessings, better health for people, to mend strained relationships and broken hearts, to help me to honor Him, be a light, and so very much more but occasionally, I feel like something is missing or doesn't click right...like I ask a question and then insert earplugs...or ask him to show me something and then close my eyes. This week I found an old notebook of mine that Hunter had scribbled and colored in while we were out and about. Flipping through I was brought to tears by what I found. Between his pages of "I LOVE YOU MOM" and drawings of cars, Army men and American Flags, I found this:

Feb. 22, 2005 (Hunter was 8 1/2 yrs old)

Dear God, Help me learn more about you. Help me talk with you often and do what's right so I can be close to you.

Hunter

Feb. 23, 2005

Dear Father God, I will sing to you. I will bow down to worship you. But most of all I will give myself to you.

Hunter

Wow, all this time I have been searching for just the right balance of give and take and there it was hidden in the heart of a child. I showed Hunter his young prayers and even he was amazed at what he had written years ago. I even noticed his morning prayer seemed a little more personal on the way to school today. If only we could sincerely offer those sweet words in prayer everyday.

Oct. 21, 2009 (Mom 33~ Hunter 13)

Dear Hunter,

I love you Hunter and I am so very proud of the young man you are becoming. I hope you never forget how to pray from your heart as you did when you were small.

XOXOXOXO,

Mom

Happy 4th of July!

More than anything else, I want to take a minute to thank my husband, my father, my friends, and all of those who have served America! Because of your sacrifice, I am able to FREELY sit here today reading my devotional, praying to God, and loving my family. You all gave and give so much and get so little in return. For those of you who served in the past, you are always remembered in our home. For those of you serving now, we pray for your safe return home. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. Our family applauds & salutes you!

Wes, Morgan & I spent the evening at home grilling and just hanging out. We had another delicious dinner after the local fireworks show was over. We grilled brisket, sauteed summer squash w/onion & mushrooms again, and boiled baby red potatoes with fresh corn on the cob. I love all of the grilling and fresh food we get to enjoy when Wes is home! I also love the cuddling and dancing for Morgan in the living room. I already have a roast in the crock pot for Italian sandwiches tomorrow and will let you know how that turns out. Smells heavenly! Thank you again to Mommaloo and her family for the wonderful blessing you gave us this week!

Let's Play Ball!!!

Hunter's baseball season is now in full swing. We are finally blessed with great coaches and Hunter is loving the sport again. We all know that football is his passion, but it is nice to see him have fun playing ball with out a helmet covering his whole face. As a Mother, there is no greater reward than watching your child play and love what they are doing. I don't think that Hunter realizes just how proud of him we are. Hunter's grades are awesome, his attitude has improved leaps and bounds, he is a great helper at home, and his prayers are becoming more sincere and less routine. I am sure very soon he will sigh at me and roll his eyes when I ask him to mow the lawn, but until them I am going to relish in this moment and pray there are more to come.

As soon as we returned from Spring Break we had a baseball game and played against two of Hunter's closest friends. It was a good game and Hunter really seemed to have fun. He didn't even take it personally when his buddy tagged him out at first. It is a little harder to watch every play with Morgan there. As usual, she is a mess and wants every ones attention. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have friends I could pass her too every now and then.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

Well we all made it back safe and sound from our Spring Break vacations. Morgan did great on the plane coming home and made everyone around us laugh at her "knee surfing". When there was strong crosswinds or turbulence, she would stand on my knees with her arms out like a surfer bouncing all over the place while laughing and squealing with this look that said, "what a great ride Mommy!"

I think I miss Wes more now than I did before I got there to see him. It was so wonderful watching him play with Morgan and seeing her just light up when he smiled at her. It is hard watching the man you love be so tired from working so hard to give you security. It was so easy for me to selfishly get my feelings hurt when he fell asleep before the movie was over or when he promised to play cards with me. I read my devotional and realized I needed to change my attitude. God would not be pleased at how I was behaving towards my husband and realized that all it would take was some venting and a few ugly critical words to blow everything I hold so dear out of reach. Wesley, I am so amazed by you. Yes, like all marriages, there are times you frustrate or irritate me, but you are wonderful man and I am so honored to be your wife and the mother of your children. If I haven't told you enough, thank you and I fall in love with you more every day.

Being on a budget, I just stayed in the 28 foot toaster oven, I mean RV most of the time in Colorado with the exception of our daily walk at the pond and going to Wes's softball practice and game. Who'd a thought it (yes I said it that way) that a RV could be so DANGEROUS for a toddling baby. Morgan was bent on scaring me to death. She snuck up to the bed to hide from me while she ate a cookie and then "threw" herself down the stairs (all 3 of them) backwards hitting the back of her head and face. I was only a few feet from her but I stepped in her car seat and tripped and fell onto the floor right on top of her screaming the whole way down. I should have just yelled "TIMBER"! Of course it all happened in slow motion to me and all I could think about was the actress who just hit her head and died skiing and OMG my baby just hit her head, with a mouth full of cookie none the less!!! THEN she stood up on the couch (I had it folded out into a bed) and took a nose dive, on purpose, landing flat on her face... I saw her do it...from the bathroom, while I was being sick if you know what I mean. THEN she crawled over the wall and would have flopped all the way over...but I did catch her that time. Needless to say I cried a lot, checked her over and over for bumps, dents, bruises, changes, broken bones, wouldn't let her nap for fear of a concussion, and told myself I was a horrible mother for not holding her safely in my arms the entire time I was there. THEN she tried to attack Wes and jumped on him while he was laying face down on the bed...(apparently he is bouncy...I never noticed before) the first time she landed on her head, feet sticking up in the air out of the laundry basket he panicked and I yelled at him...the second time she landed safely on her back in the laundry basket...AND LAUGHED!!!! Hunter was not like this. He was cautious and examined EVERYTHING before acting. Morgan is a DAREDEVIL! I am doomed to a life of grimacing when I hear "hey Ma, watch this, no hands"! I know I was a good kid growing up so I blame this on Wes. I am suffering because he is getting paid back for being such a rotten child I just know it! What luck! I am so glad to be home...with flat, level floors.

All My Heart...

11 For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me WHEN YOU SEEK ME WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART. 14 I will be found by you. Jeremiah 29:11-14

This are some of my very favorite verses in the Bible. I have pointed out to Wes several times in the past that I think I am failing in the area where He says "with all of your heart." So many can quote verses 11-12 easily but stop there. Why is that? Do we just want to hear that He is listening and nothing else matters? I want to seek God with all my heart. So many excuses, words, memories, and thoughtless actions/reactions jump in there and get in the way for me. I am not perfect. If I we were Jesus would not have had to die for our sins. However, I truly want to honor God and seek him with all my heart. I am going to continue to pray about this. I am going to spend more quiet time talking to God and less watching TV. I am going to guard my words and actions. My children are watching and there are so many little things I regret doing. It is my job to teach them to love God. How can I tell them to love God when my actions are not Godly?
Lord, please help me to be a better example for my children and all those that I meet. Please let your forgiveness and love shine through me with out a spoken word needed. Help me to find supportive, uplifting, positive, like minded friends. Help me to make a positive difference in the lives of those I love and those who may not yet know you. I know your tugging at my heart. I feel you Lord and I am honored and scared all at the same time. Help me to read your word and understand it. Thank you again for all of my beautiful blessings.

Clearing the Clutter...

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (NLT)

I haven't blogged on a few days and I feel behind. A lot has happened and I have read some great devotionals that have given me great inspiration, but then I let it get all jumbled and didn't have a clear direction in what to write about...So I will make this even longer than usual and write about it all.
I have been saying that I wanted to clear the clutter in my home for a long long long time. I have even thought about opening a business helping others to clear their clutter and get organized. You just feel better when things are in their place and you can find what your actually looking for. I start but never finish. There are too many readily available excuses; Morgan was fussy, I was tired from not sleeping well, I was too busy blogging. You get the idea. I have a clear goal that this MUST be done. I can help others by donating the items that clutter our home, make things from them, and even make some extra money selling others. I am pushing myself to spend at least a half hour a day decluttering something.

Well lets take this one step further. I have been trying to declutter my heart as well for years and have just not been able to finish. I get going on a good healthy path, I think I am doing good and then it creeps in...insecurities caused by others words, painful memories of people in my life who lied to me or who continue to lie about me, let me down, hurt me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The lingering thoughts invade my day over and over. I figure this is much like the way a drug addicts desire to use creeps in over and over even when they claim to have "recovered". The thoughts are like a cancer, they make me feel ill and invade every area of my life. As a Christian, how can I still be holding on? Isn't it supposed to go away once you forgive the person? I have openly given this to God, why does my heart keep taking it back? Whatever the reason, I am not giving up. If I let the people and painful circumstances in my life hurt me over and over, they win! I am just too stubborn to let that happen. I am not going to let them steal my joy anymore. I am not silly & naive. I know that a smell or something I see can jolt me to a standstill and bring those thoughts to mind, but I don't have to let it effect me. I know that it is Satan, trying to rob me and my family of the peace that God desires for us, and distance me from God.

Not only does this "clutter" distance me from God, but it tries to infect my marriage as well. Wesley has been so wonderful with me. No matter how insecure I get, he is still there, consistent, steady, and strong. He loves me just as I am, on days I am whole and even those that I am broken. God truly blessed me when he brought us together. But Wes can't "fix" what is broken. That is not what love does. He didn't break me, but he loves me in spite of and through my imperfections. That is love. I am loved and I love him.

While praying about this the other day, I asked God to heal me, that I am broken, and needed him to touch my heart. In my mind as I prayed I could see God's love and forgiveness pouring in my heart and filling in the cracks and broken pieces. It was beautiful. It is beautiful.

Some of what inspired me was reading this devotional:

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2008/11/clean-house-and-clean-heart.html

More to come! I haven't even scratched the surface.

• We had a great weekend with Wes.
• Morgan, two crawls forward and one crawl back
• Hunter and his hamstring

I will be posting family pictures soon. Hunter played a good game after recovering from a pulled hamstring.